A Definitive History of Radiohead

Radiohead are an English snooze rock band from Privilegeville, Oxfordshire. The band is composed of Thom Yorke (whining), Jonny Greenwood (wanking), Ed O’Brien (bit of everything), Colin Greenwood (farty noises) and Phil Selway (hitting things).

They met whilst masturbating each other in the dorms of some posh boys school.  Originally formed in 1986 and named “On a Friday”, the name referring to the band’s usual rehearsal day in the school’s music room, music fans across the have subsequently spent 23 years wishing that they’d resist picking up their instruments on Saturdays, Sundays, Monday, Tuesdays, Wednesday and Thursdays.  On a Friday’s greatest years were 1987-1991 when the members were at University and the band was on a fairly long hiatus, though, proving the maxim that walls have ears, groaning was heard coming from some seriously pissed off rehearsal room walls in the University Holidays.  Some even walked out.  And believe me a wall has to be pretty pissed off to walk out.

During this period they recorded the song “Manic Hedgehog”, which surely must be as good as its name suggests, and were too uncool to fit in with a shoe-gazing scene that revolved around such epitomes of rock ‘n’ roll cool as Slowdive and Chapterhouse.

Radiohead’s first release, the “Drill” ep was released in 1992 to the sort of universal disinterest that every subsequent Radiohead release has deserved.  Their next single, “Creep” was initially unsuccessful, but it became a worldwide hit several months after the release of their tedious, generic, indie-by-numbers, debut album, Pablo Honey (1993).  Radiohead had achieved something no other band before or since has ever achieved – compress every single listenable note of their entire career into the A-side of their second single.  And it was an amazing song, especially if you were a self-obsessed, self-pitying, self-deprecating, male, middle-class, tosser.  The only good to come out of “Creep” becoming their breakthrough hit was the fact that it delayed the recording of their second album.

Radiohead’s popularity inexplicably rose in the United Kingdom with the release of their dismal second album, The Bends (1995). The band’s tedious guitar parts and Yorke’s incessant whining were warmly received by the cloth-eared and the stupid both in the media and amongst the general public.  Michael Stipe was moved to say, “Radiohead are so good, they scare me”, which proves nothing beyond the fact that shit bands often stick together.  Radiohead’s third album, OK Computer (1997), took crap music to new levels, yet greater international fame arrived, proving just how correct the Director of “Idiocracy” really was. Both sonically and lyrically, OK Computer has often been acclaimed as evidence of just how bad music got in the 1990s.

Kid A (2000) and Amnesiac (2001) marked an evolution in Radiohead’s musical style.  The law of averages would have said that a band as bad as Radiohead could only get better, but inexplicably they actually got even worse.  EMI extricated themselves from the embarrassment of releasing such drivel in 2003 when Hail to the Thief became their final album for a major record label.

The hopes of the right-minded – that the lack of a major might stop their releases – were dashed 4 years later when their new album In Rainbows was given away in the bands vain hope that they could destroy the livelihoods of all struggling and up and coming musicians.  Musically even worse than previous releases, at least by copying tabloid headlines the lyrics were generally above the pathetic level of most of their crappy songs.  Rumours abound that their next album, featuring 12 songs reciting the rules of snooker, will be lyrically better even than In Rainbows.

In 2005, Radiohead were ranked number 73 in Rolling Stones list of “the greatest artists of all time”, leading to Cliff Richard’s famous pronouncement that even he could see how irrelevant the publication had become.  The fact that one of the world’s most stupid readerships could unintentionally complement Radiohead so highly by implying that there are 72 worse bands in the history of recorded music, came as a shock to everyone.

At the 2009 Grammy Awards, the band won Best Alternative To Music Album.

In summer 2009 Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke said recording another album would “kill” the band because making records has become a “real drag” to them.  Irony of ironies, I said the same thing about listening to another Radiohead album.  Unfortunately, given the sort of self-promoting dick-weeds that they are this is almost certainly just some tacky publicity stunt.  He went on to say that the band may start releasing one-off songs rather than full-length albums, raising the horrific prospect of shorter gaps between future releases.


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2 Responses to “A Definitive History of Radiohead”

  1. Jamie Says:

    Well, that was a waste of your time, wasn’t it?

  2. wildeyemusic Says:

    Thank you for the feedback. For your information the very famous Queens of the Stone Age musician and Arctic Monkeys producer is called Josh, not Joss. Or are you confusing him with Joss Stone? Easy mistake to make, I do it all the time.

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