Guns N’ Roses ‘Greatest Hits’

In the latest in a long line of cutting-edge analyses of all the new releases in the world of ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll’, as the kids like to call it, I give you, Guns N’ Roses ‘Greatest Hits’.

1. “Welcome to the Jungle
Meaningless drivel for lyrics do not spoil the sound of a young rock band approaching the peak of their powers.  7/10.

2. “Sweet Child o’ Mine
Killer riff, up there with the all time greats.  We all like a ballad every so often, but let’s be honest, ballads are part of the problem, not part of the solution.  8/10.

3. “Patience
Jesus, these bad boys of rock descend to the worst type of balladric nonsense pretty quick into a greatest hits compilation don’t they?  Little known fact, this is the longest song GNR ever recorded, clocking in at 4 hours, 5 minutes and 46 seconds.  I lied, it just feels that long.  At 5 minutes 56 seconds this song has a boredom ratio of 04.05.46 / 00.05.56 = 41.42.  41.42 is the highest boredom ratio of any song ever.  Patience indeed… mine’s fading fast.  I’m feeling generous though.  1/10.

4. “Paradise City
Meaningless drivel for lyrics do not spoil the sound of a young rock band reaching the peak of their powers.  Taking a rock/pop song and dragging it out for nearly 7 minutes almost does though.  8.5/10.

5. “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think Dylan is a bloke to cover.  Many of the elements that go into a Dylan record are terrible, and it is only the unusual genius of the man that brings thems all together in a way that is far more than the sum of their parts.  Too long.  Horrid pronounciation of daw-aw-waw by Axl.  Bland, mid-80s keys.  I could go on, like the song does, but I won’t.  1.5/10

6. “Civil War
Fair play, you can’t have too many anti-war songs, but let’s be honest, they could have cut it down somewhat from an excrucating 7:42.  3.5/10.

7. “You Could Be Mine
The only good thing that you can say about this song is ‘at least it isn’t another fucking ballad.’  Scratc that you could also say ‘at least it is sub-6 minutes, not over’.  2/10.

8. “Don’t Cry
Is this song the most pointless dirge ever written?  Go To 10.  0.5/10.

9. “November Rain
Shit, at 8 I should have said go to 9.  Absolutely abysmal.  This is arguably the worst song on the album by sole virtue of the fact that it is the longest song on the album, but in reality there is so much else about this track to detest.  0.00025/10.

10. “Live and Let Die
No.  This is.  GNR did manage to make it even shitter than the original though.  Actually, I haven’t got a clue whether that is true or not and I refuse to waste even 3 seconds of my life having a quick listen to fucking Wings on Spotify to check.  0.001/10.

11. “Yesterdays
Axl.  Shut Up.  0.3/10.

12. “Ain’t It Fun
Now this is a great song.  I have a version played by Peter Laughner (one of the writers) in the late 70s and it truly is wonderful.  “Ain’t it fun when you now you’re gonna die young” sung by the writer who died a year or two later is pretty damn poignant.  It is almost a good enough song that even Axl can’t ruin it, but, unfortunately, not quite.  And the wild man of rock hasn’t even got the bottle to sing all the words.  It’s only ‘cunt’ for fucks sake Axl, sing it you pussy.  4/10.

13. “Since I Don’t Have You
Boring.  Next.  1/10.

14. “Sympathy for the Devil
Now this is another great song, yet again played reasonably but does it add something new, or is it just a poor quality photocopy, cheap paper, low on toner, damage to the scanner leaves parallel stripes down the page?  4/10.

Overall – 2.93/10.  This album does have it’s qualities, but don’t press play on the CD player unless you have a fully operational skip button and are prepared to use it.

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One Response to “Guns N’ Roses ‘Greatest Hits’”

  1. wallernotweller Says:

    top 20 from 1989:

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